Haven’t post in like forever, but my mood has improved like crazy. I’ve decided to forget those two ppl and just focus on my life. College is coming up and high school will be a distant memory. I’m not going to let myself be the only one worrying about this sudden lack of communication. so wish me luck with moving forward. It’s just so tiresome to stand still.
Stress
Today started out as a really good day. My class was going to take a photo so I got up really early, did my hair, painted my face, and wore some of the cutest earrings. Then in my first class I got really depressed. People were talking and I felt a mixture of anger and loneliness.
In my next class I was still tired from lack of sleep all week, but my mood improved a hundred fold. I so supper happy, but I think I was drunk from tiredness. But just as I thought I was going to be okay, my mood was wrecked by a horrible class. I became throughly irritated. Everything, and I mean everything pissed me off completely. Even talking to people was making me angry. I really need stress relief. I keep feeling like I have all this pent up stress and no way to vent. If it keeps building I swear the one person to throw me over the edge is really going to get something they didn’t have coming to them.
Well this so far as helped relieve some of the stress, irritation, and whatever the hell else is wrong with me. God my life is fucked right now. I’m torn right now between a decision to confront some people right now or to just go on hoping things between us will clear up and get better. Normally I am not an optimistic person. I can be very realistic, but when it comes to these people I really want there to be some hope between us, but it looks like there isn’t. And the months have passed painfully and things I think have gotten worse. This I think is also adding to my stress. I don’t know if I will confront them or not, but if I do things will most likely get really ugly if I can keep my temper under control.
I really do love my dance class, but i’m still really nervous. I get really excited just before entering the door, and suddenly the face of my teacher scares the living light out of me. I mean I’m really afraid that I’m doing something wrong.
But that is really okay, I love dancing so it doesn’t matter to me if I’m any good or not. Right now I’m taking a little break from my art project. I can’t believe how long it’s taking me. I’ve been working on a small section of it for two hours straight. I need a little rest. Though I can’t believe how amazingly it’s turning out. I did not think that it would look this great. I still got a hell of a lot to work on and I doubt I’m getting any sleep tonight.
I swear if I don’t finish this project before 2am I’m going to school late. I need sleep other wise I am one crazy, pissed off, loopy bitch. Doubt anyone in their right mind would want to deal with me. Well I’ll most likely take another break in like 4 hours.
-Bye for now!
Happy
I woke up today really tied, and really happy. I was super excited to work on my art project which I think is amazing. Who knew gluing together old crayons would look so cool. I pray though that I get this project done in time. I kinda want to use it for my college portfolio.
College is though it is daunting it’s not stressing me out completely yet. Its more like my high school work is stressing, but it doesn’t matter. Cause in 5 months I’ll be out of this place. Times were fun and will still be fun, but I can’t wait to relax for a little before college starts.
PS: I hope though in a few months my next school will be in Chicago!!
Okay my last post I wrote when I was super depressed and now that I’ve had time to think, rationally, about everything I have found that I was starting to revert back to the wimpy ass kid I was in middle school and I swore I would never be again.
Thank God I caught myself. Heavens only knows what would have happened if I didn’t think things through. Well I have also found the source of my most unusual behavior. I was feeling lonely. For some reason the past couple months I feel like everyone is distancing themselves from me. I don’t know if I’m just making all this up to feel sorry for myself, or if that is really true. I really hope I’m making this up. I can tolerate being bullied (I’ve already been there so I can say that), I don’t mind being the fool, or the really stupid friend, but what gets to me is being left out. I always knew one of my greatest fears was to be hated. But my most secret fear is to be left alone. I need people, whether or not I like them, I need them.
Really sorry about this being long, but as I mentioned before I doubt anyone is even going to read this. So if I am being isolated at school and I can’t be myself at home (for various reasons I’m not about to go into) then this will be where I can express myself to the fullest. I think I’ll make this blog my own personal Journal. I will no longer write, or not write this, for anyone else but me!
Hello, though i doubt anyone even follows this blog anymore. Today really sucks, i feel supper depressed. there was one promise i made to myself at the start of high school that i would never cry. and today as stupid as i am i started crying in class. My classmates must be super oblivious since none of them noticed. I really don’t know why i was crying or why i’m feeling so depressed all i know is that even as i am typing i feel like crawling in a dark corner and bawling my eyes out. And what’s worse is i don’t know anyone in this school who will let me cry in front of them without judging me later. I really hate this. It frustrates me so much that i am even using this blog site to vent my feelings.
WHOLE FOODS! Best store in the world. If you ever read Food and Wine magazine, well, this store is like walking into Food and Wine. The only possible down side this wonderful food heaven is the damn prices. *cry* I think if I lived closer to Whole Foods I would go broke in an instant. But the food, the food, it’s all so pretty and so good.
Happy Holidays
I know its late, but…Merry Christmas!!! And congratulations for making it through this stressful holiday for another year. I know that it’s been painful between the gift shopping, gift wrapping, cooking, cleaning, Christmas cards (taking the photos, getting the kids to smile, finding everyone’s addresses, buying the perfect cards, finally mailing them to who knows how many people), dragging out all the Christmas stuff out from storage, decorating the trees, and last but never least stressful hanging the lights on the house. But you’ve done it and should be brimming with success and you settle down for a long deserved rest.
Now all that is left for us to do is drink the rest of our stress and worries of this year away. (Well at least everyone who is 21 and older). New Year’s Eve a time of partying till one or two in the morning and more liquor consumed than people. If you don’t drink than a time of waiting for the another New Year thankful that if anything we made it out in one piece. And with hope for a Happy New Year!
So to everyone out there. I wish the best of Holidays and that next Year is better to you than the last. I hope that much warmth and laughter is brought into your homes.
you know how there are times in your life that you wish you could fast forward. this is one of those times. too many things to attend to along with hundreds of other commitments. i think this year i’ve dug a hole so large it’s become my very own grave. how depressing i think i might die before i start my real life. T_T
